Unfortunate Events Part 1

The movie begins with poorly written music and her dangerously monotone voice.

{If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about New Moon.

I shall do it in 10 or 15 minute sections.}

She runs through a plaza, and then some trees with her shirt scandalously missing a couple important buttons.... and into a meadow filled with purple flowers.

Evidently, the lighting there in Forks is heinous, because instead of sunlight filling the whole meadow, there is only a literal spotlight of sunshine.

Let me clarify this.

Forks is not in the rainforest.

{Sigh of disgust...}

She sees a Grandma- looking person, and does her best to maneuver her face into a surprised position. Her work is not enough, because her face merely looks less than mildly confused.

She gasps (shocker) as she looks over her shoulder and sees an ugly looking man coming toward her.

"RUN BELLA, RUN!" screams the Grandma. "Hasn't your Mother told you to stay away from creepy boys like that?!"

Okay, that doesn't really happen. I just wish it did.

Bella then tries to say, "Edward, don't. She'll see you." in a harsh and fervent manner, but only manages to say it in a monotone voice. Again.

He walks out of the forest anyway, because he's a vampire and can do what he wants, and walks towards her. He smiles faintly at the idea of disobeying her wishes.

He grabs her hand while smiling smugly, and she clings on to him like she is some sort of psycho 17- year old girl. Oh wait....

Creepy music plays and then...

Long story short, Bella is the Grandma lady. Because she's old. Humans grow old. It seems like Bella hasn't really realized that, though, until Edward comes. Since Edward is forever 17, Bella now realizes that she grows older. Because she's human, and humans grow old.

How about that?

Then Edward glowers a little, kisses the Grammy's cheek, and glowers some more. It's great.

It's all a dream. Okay, not really. Bella really will get older for about another year (sorry I just spoiled the books for you) and Edward will also never stop glowering. In fact, I dare someone.. anyone! to try and find over 30 times that Edward "smiles" because you won't find it ever ever ever. But the part where she is already a Grammy at 18 who just got kissed by as vampire is a total dream.

Then the camera shows Bella sleeping with makeup on with Romeo and Juliet on her lavender pillow beside her. Someone knocks at the door, it's her Dad, and she gasps (shocker).

It's Bella's BIRTHDAY!

Yay!

Nay.

Since she is a crazy weirdo, Bella hates b-day presents. (Back to my previous rant about the stupidity of Bella.)

Her Dad jokes with her and asks if she has a gray hair.

She freaks out as much as she can (which isn't much, because her face is permanently etched in a no- emotion type face sketch thing), looks in the mirror, finds out she has no gray hair and says, "That's really funny."

Only she doesn't laugh.

Advice for Kristen #1:
If something is funny, laugh. Dumbo.

Lame Music Plays.

More lame music plays.

She pulls into a parking space and SLAMS the door shut. I sigh. What a bipolar lady. She must be taking Edward's moody pills.

Then Edward pulls up. She still doesn't even smile. She just moves her lips around.

Even more lame music plays as a lame Edward wannabe walks toward her with the wind opening his unbuttoned shirt even more and swaying his hair like he is in some sort of Shampoo commercial.

He wishes her Happy Birthday and she responds dumbly.

Then they banter about her age. Once again, Bella's script implied somewhat witty remarks, and she keeps a straight face. Smile, please.

Then they get close together and kiss. YUCK!

While they are kissing, yuck, let me point this out. Even though I hate/ loathe Robert Pattinson, at least he can smile. That is all.

Somehow they pull apart and Edward says they should go to class. Oh really? I thought they were in High School... Oh wait, they are in HS. It's probably good that they are going to class.

Jacob shows up and BELLA ACTUALLY SMILES! OH MY GOSH! I would smile if I saw Taylor Lautner too. At least she has some sense, however minimal.

Bella and Jacob joke around and then he gives her a bad- dream catcher. Then they hug.

Bella and Edward walk around the halls and Edward asks, "So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I don't?"

Please, Bella! Say this, "Because Jacob won't take it back in less than 3 days. You will, because you will lie to me about your not-so- feelings for me." Once again, she disappoints me.

She replies, "Because I have nothing to give back to you."

And oh my gosh! This next part is one of the most lowest of the low points of this low movie.

Edward Says, "Bella, you give me everything just by breathing."

Advice for Kristen #2:
If someone EVER says anything remotely this cheesy, run away. Fast.

Again, she disappoints me. Instead, she exhales (shocker) and I scream at the T.V.! RUN AWAY BELLA! THIS ISN'T THE REAL EDWARD!!!!!

After that, Alice jumps over a railing to wish Bella a Happy Birthday and give her an awesome present. Of course, Bella acts stupidly. If I had a vampire jumping over railings for me, I would be sooo happy. Do you see Edward jumping over railings? I don't think tho. He doesn't do anything really cool. He thinks he's cool, and Bella thinks he's cool. But does he ever prove it? Nope.

The funniest part in this scene is watching Jasper. LOL! He is so funny because:

1. He has no lines.

2. Okay, number 1 is the only reason.

Another long story short, Bella hesitantly accepts, in her own WEIRD way, the invite to her own party from Alice. Once again, the Cullens are filthy rich. If they want to throw me parties and give me presents and write me music, I will be more grateful than Dumb-Bunny Bella.

Okay, the 2nd funniest part in this scene is watching Bella whack Edward with her present. Does she think it will hurt him? Does she think that if she hits a vamp with a present, the present inside will magically go away?

Then it shows Romeo and Juliet and all the girls, including Eric, crying. This should be a big wake up call for his girlfriend, Angela. If my man was sitting next to me, sobbing through a William Shakespeare tragedy, I would dump him. Or, I could grab Bella's present package and whack him with that, and then dump him.

Much to my chagrin, Bella and Edward are talking in the back of the classroom. Edward says something very interesting. Speaking of Romeo, he says, "He killed his true love out of sheer stupidity."

Come again?
Romeo didn't kill Juliet. His fake suicide led to her death, to be sure, but it did not lead to her death specifically.

It's not like Romeo was driving under the influence out of sheer stupidity and hit Juliet's carriage or chariot, which killed her.

Anyways....

Edward says that he envies Romeo, and Bella gets jealous because she thinks that he is talking about how drop- dead beautifully gorgeous Juliet is, and how natural she looks when she jokes, banters, or smiles.

But Edward laughs and says that he just wants to be able to kill himself more easily.

Oh. Much better.

Now, instead of having a bf who is madly in love with dead women, you have a bf who is suicidal. Shoot for the stars, Bella.

Anyways...

And then Edward says something that REALLY bothers me while he is talking about how easily humans can disappear* themselves.

"There's so many different options."

I HATE ROBERT PATTINSON! I hate him because he doesn't realize that Edward has an articulate way of speaking because he was born in the late 19th century. Back then, there was no such thing as grammatical incorrectness.

I am sick of this already.

* In an effort to make this blog family- friendly, I have put a somewhat odd verb there instead of "kill".