Unfortunate Events Part 1

Edward and Bella are at his house waiting for the blood fest ... I mean, party to start.

They talk about the Volturi, and Edward says that they revere the law above all else.

"Vampires have laws?" asks Bella.

One time I told one of my friends that the tooth fairy goes around collecting teeth that people lose. Then she said, "People lose teeth?" Which was a total normal question, considering the fact that I had already answered it before she even asked.

The only law that is regularly enforced is to not make a spectacle of yourself if you're a vampie, and don't kill conspicuously.

1.... 2.... Whoops, I counted two laws. Minor flaw....

The next part is really weird. Edward says, "Bella, the only one who could hurt me is you."

He continues, "Which is why I will make you cry and scream and run after me when I break up with you. Tomorrow. Goodnight." Dang it! I must have been dreaming.

Then he tells her it is his job to protect her... No comment.

Then they go into the Partay Room where there is music playing.

And I quote:
Your lips are nettles

Your tongue is wine

{Awkward Moment.... Crickets Chirping....}

Because of the sheer amount of disgust that I am currently trying to force back down my throat, I will not go any further in the quotation of this song.

Long story short:
Vamps give Bella presents.

She gets a paper cut while trying to open Esme and Carlisle's gift.

She says, "Ow. Paper cut."

Then her blood drops to the nice clean carpet and sizzles like it is really bacon that is landing on a hot stove.

Edward dazedly looks in a direction away from Bella, towards Jasper, who is thinking about sucking the life out of Bella very quickly because she smells so good when her blood is on the floor. Even though the smell is probably her shampoo, I will not linger on that thought for too long.

Eddie shoves Bella into the wall which makes the blood even worse and was very stupid.

Then, in total slo-mo, Jasper and Edward collide, Edward shoves his brother into a wall now, and it sounds like a major earthquake. They probably should have waited for a thunderstorm or something to have this party.

"Jaz" has a freak-fest, and only little tiny Alice can control him, which strikes me as funny.

As Carlisle is looking over Bella's Edward-caused extensive wounds, I see that she as worn black casual- looking flats with a nice party dress. Oh no she didn't.

Carlisle carefully picks the glass out of Bella's arm in his office while she is sitting on his desk with her arm straightened out. On his waist. Ummm....

They talk about souls and damnation, both terms of which Bella is confused with.

She says nice things to Carlisle about him being nice and I sigh over the lack of warmth in her voice while she is talking about his warmth. GOSH KRISTEN STEWART! Find a new job. NOVICE!

Edward drives Bella home, and I can't help but wonder what Charlie is thinking when he looks out the window. "Oh, Bella's home. She's brought Mr. Grumpy Gills with her. How is he going to get home? He's not taking the truck. That's for dang sure!"

Edward and Bella talk about protection and love and souls for the 92347823905128347019283740192834701298374109238470129384710000000 gazillionth time. Only this time it is in a truck, and not in a bedroom.

PAUSE!

Edward is the moodiest person I have ever seen on T.V. He is just as bad as Bella.

UNPAUSE!

Then Bella tells Edward to kiss him and he looks like he is about to cry. Literally. YUCK!

More lame music plays as Bella prints out her pictures from her nice-looking printer. Might I add that dearest Bella is supposed to be dirt. poor. Okay?!

The next day at schoolio, Edward is sneaking around in Bella's room stealing stuff while she is eating lunch with pathetic, typical teenagers. And Mike. Who is somehow more like a burrito.

At the end of school, Bella drives home and sees that Edward is standing in her yard by the forest. Oh my gosh, girls. If you are reading this, know that by no means should you ever follow an old man into a forest, especially if he looks like he is trying to be as handsome as Edward. Don't fall for stuff like that. Because then you will be certifiably insane, just like Bella.

Bella, being the idiot that she is, walks over to the creeper, and says, "Hey." He orders her to take a walk with him. For some reason, she follows him.

Edward says that they are leaving Forks, because people are starting to realize that Carlisle is a freakin' hot immortal and they are becoming suspicious. Slowly. Bella replies that she has to think of something to say to Charlie.

Like an excuse.

He doesn't want you Bella. Because you are incapable of smiling. Maybe if you would just laugh and say, "LOL! Edward... He he you are so funny I love you so much," and smile while you are saying it, all of the Cullens would jump out from behind the huge trees and say, "April Fools!" and you would all laugh together. But instead, you are a total freak and invite yourself to go somewhere you aren't wanted. Like to wherever the heck the Cullens go. That bugs me. Bad.

She sighs. Again.

He says he doesn't want her, makes her promise that she won't be stupid and destroy herself, and that he'll make it so that she doesn't remember anything about him, because he stole all of the stuff. He probably even broke into her cell phone and deleted everyone's numbers. And since she never called him because he was always less than 2 feet away from her, she wouldn't have his number memorized.

Anywho... She says, "If this {you leaving me, Forks, your cool house, and my Dad, who thinks you are crap} is about my soul, take it. I don't want it without you."

If she said this desperately, it would be slightly better than how it is. But she yells it at him. If someone was breaking up with me, I would quickly leave, throw all of their stuff (okay, I don't know what sort of stuff, but in songs and movies, all I hear about when people break up is 'giving their stuff back' and some such nonsense) out of the window of a skyscraper, and MOVE ON!

I would not be like Bella (a.k.a. control freak, whiny, incapable of smiling/ making jokes/ being funny) and beg and then run after him.
But it would be funny if she ran after him and said this. Really fast.
"Please! Edward! I know that Jasper is off- limits, and that Rosalie wouldn't like it if Emmett and I were boyfriend and girlfriend, but can't I have Carlisle? Don't you think Esme will share? He let me touch his waist when he was pulling glass out of my arm, and I felt such a connection between us when he was burning my blood and the glass from my arm in that white bowl.... Don't you think?"
She realizes Edward leaves.

"UGH! I hate you! You are too pale and unnatural. I think I'll go find a better Edward. In Reykjavik!"

That would have been awesome. Instead, she throws a temper tantrum, mumbles his name a few times, falls down in the woods and stays there.

Because, always remember this, if you fall down in the woods and stay there, a half- naked tan man will come and rescue you from a certain death. But only if you cry on top of all of the leaves. And be sure to pass out or go into a coma.

After some glares and some half- naked men, and a relieved father.. the scene changes to Bella sitting in her room.

This is where I really know that there is something wrong with this movie. She sits there, for months (evidently... Psht.) in the same clothes.

Um.... No wonder she is boyfriend-less. And friendless. It is because of her hygiene deficiency.

Apparently, she is also, like a psycho-freak, writing emails to Alice. Even though she has been getting these emails back, telling her that Alice's email address has been cancelled, she continues writing them.

She tells Alice that there is a huge hole punched into her chest because Edward is gone.

Then it shows her "sleeping" and screaming like she is being brutally murdered.

I don't think she was sleeping. I think this was just a roundabout way of asking her Dad if it was okay for her to see an expensive shrink.

Bella's Dad gets upset with her because she is being a psycho zombie teenager, which for her is not normal. Even though she did not smile before, now she isn't doing her hair or shopping or sleeping with makeup on, which is just plain old scary.

I am so sick of Blogging New Moon. It is too scary and creepy and downright insane. Not to mention lacking in talent.