Unfortunate Events Part 1

The movie begins with poorly written music and her dangerously monotone voice.

{If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about New Moon.

I shall do it in 10 or 15 minute sections.}

She runs through a plaza, and then some trees with her shirt scandalously missing a couple important buttons.... and into a meadow filled with purple flowers.

Evidently, the lighting there in Forks is heinous, because instead of sunlight filling the whole meadow, there is only a literal spotlight of sunshine.

Let me clarify this.

Forks is not in the rainforest.

{Sigh of disgust...}

She sees a Grandma- looking person, and does her best to maneuver her face into a surprised position. Her work is not enough, because her face merely looks less than mildly confused.

She gasps (shocker) as she looks over her shoulder and sees an ugly looking man coming toward her.

"RUN BELLA, RUN!" screams the Grandma. "Hasn't your Mother told you to stay away from creepy boys like that?!"

Okay, that doesn't really happen. I just wish it did.

Bella then tries to say, "Edward, don't. She'll see you." in a harsh and fervent manner, but only manages to say it in a monotone voice. Again.

He walks out of the forest anyway, because he's a vampire and can do what he wants, and walks towards her. He smiles faintly at the idea of disobeying her wishes.

He grabs her hand while smiling smugly, and she clings on to him like she is some sort of psycho 17- year old girl. Oh wait....

Creepy music plays and then...

Long story short, Bella is the Grandma lady. Because she's old. Humans grow old. It seems like Bella hasn't really realized that, though, until Edward comes. Since Edward is forever 17, Bella now realizes that she grows older. Because she's human, and humans grow old.

How about that?

Then Edward glowers a little, kisses the Grammy's cheek, and glowers some more. It's great.

It's all a dream. Okay, not really. Bella really will get older for about another year (sorry I just spoiled the books for you) and Edward will also never stop glowering. In fact, I dare someone.. anyone! to try and find over 30 times that Edward "smiles" because you won't find it ever ever ever. But the part where she is already a Grammy at 18 who just got kissed by as vampire is a total dream.

Then the camera shows Bella sleeping with makeup on with Romeo and Juliet on her lavender pillow beside her. Someone knocks at the door, it's her Dad, and she gasps (shocker).

It's Bella's BIRTHDAY!

Yay!

Nay.

Since she is a crazy weirdo, Bella hates b-day presents. (Back to my previous rant about the stupidity of Bella.)

Her Dad jokes with her and asks if she has a gray hair.

She freaks out as much as she can (which isn't much, because her face is permanently etched in a no- emotion type face sketch thing), looks in the mirror, finds out she has no gray hair and says, "That's really funny."

Only she doesn't laugh.

Advice for Kristen #1:
If something is funny, laugh. Dumbo.

Lame Music Plays.

More lame music plays.

She pulls into a parking space and SLAMS the door shut. I sigh. What a bipolar lady. She must be taking Edward's moody pills.

Then Edward pulls up. She still doesn't even smile. She just moves her lips around.

Even more lame music plays as a lame Edward wannabe walks toward her with the wind opening his unbuttoned shirt even more and swaying his hair like he is in some sort of Shampoo commercial.

He wishes her Happy Birthday and she responds dumbly.

Then they banter about her age. Once again, Bella's script implied somewhat witty remarks, and she keeps a straight face. Smile, please.

Then they get close together and kiss. YUCK!

While they are kissing, yuck, let me point this out. Even though I hate/ loathe Robert Pattinson, at least he can smile. That is all.

Somehow they pull apart and Edward says they should go to class. Oh really? I thought they were in High School... Oh wait, they are in HS. It's probably good that they are going to class.

Jacob shows up and BELLA ACTUALLY SMILES! OH MY GOSH! I would smile if I saw Taylor Lautner too. At least she has some sense, however minimal.

Bella and Jacob joke around and then he gives her a bad- dream catcher. Then they hug.

Bella and Edward walk around the halls and Edward asks, "So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I don't?"

Please, Bella! Say this, "Because Jacob won't take it back in less than 3 days. You will, because you will lie to me about your not-so- feelings for me." Once again, she disappoints me.

She replies, "Because I have nothing to give back to you."

And oh my gosh! This next part is one of the most lowest of the low points of this low movie.

Edward Says, "Bella, you give me everything just by breathing."

Advice for Kristen #2:
If someone EVER says anything remotely this cheesy, run away. Fast.

Again, she disappoints me. Instead, she exhales (shocker) and I scream at the T.V.! RUN AWAY BELLA! THIS ISN'T THE REAL EDWARD!!!!!

After that, Alice jumps over a railing to wish Bella a Happy Birthday and give her an awesome present. Of course, Bella acts stupidly. If I had a vampire jumping over railings for me, I would be sooo happy. Do you see Edward jumping over railings? I don't think tho. He doesn't do anything really cool. He thinks he's cool, and Bella thinks he's cool. But does he ever prove it? Nope.

The funniest part in this scene is watching Jasper. LOL! He is so funny because:

1. He has no lines.

2. Okay, number 1 is the only reason.

Another long story short, Bella hesitantly accepts, in her own WEIRD way, the invite to her own party from Alice. Once again, the Cullens are filthy rich. If they want to throw me parties and give me presents and write me music, I will be more grateful than Dumb-Bunny Bella.

Okay, the 2nd funniest part in this scene is watching Bella whack Edward with her present. Does she think it will hurt him? Does she think that if she hits a vamp with a present, the present inside will magically go away?

Then it shows Romeo and Juliet and all the girls, including Eric, crying. This should be a big wake up call for his girlfriend, Angela. If my man was sitting next to me, sobbing through a William Shakespeare tragedy, I would dump him. Or, I could grab Bella's present package and whack him with that, and then dump him.

Much to my chagrin, Bella and Edward are talking in the back of the classroom. Edward says something very interesting. Speaking of Romeo, he says, "He killed his true love out of sheer stupidity."

Come again?
Romeo didn't kill Juliet. His fake suicide led to her death, to be sure, but it did not lead to her death specifically.

It's not like Romeo was driving under the influence out of sheer stupidity and hit Juliet's carriage or chariot, which killed her.

Anyways....

Edward says that he envies Romeo, and Bella gets jealous because she thinks that he is talking about how drop- dead beautifully gorgeous Juliet is, and how natural she looks when she jokes, banters, or smiles.

But Edward laughs and says that he just wants to be able to kill himself more easily.

Oh. Much better.

Now, instead of having a bf who is madly in love with dead women, you have a bf who is suicidal. Shoot for the stars, Bella.

Anyways...

And then Edward says something that REALLY bothers me while he is talking about how easily humans can disappear* themselves.

"There's so many different options."

I HATE ROBERT PATTINSON! I hate him because he doesn't realize that Edward has an articulate way of speaking because he was born in the late 19th century. Back then, there was no such thing as grammatical incorrectness.

I am sick of this already.

* In an effort to make this blog family- friendly, I have put a somewhat odd verb there instead of "kill".

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow... Or Never

Yesterday, the sun didn't come out. Even though, in a semi- sort of way, it was a tomorrow. Because I had Drivers Ed, I was -to say the least- not very excited about driving in rain/ sleet/ snow/hail.
I momentarily thought about feigning the cut on my finger as a major or maybe fatal injury. About a half a second later, I knew that would be a total lame excuse.

So... long story short I went anyway and it was just fine.

Okay, but listen to this. Or read it. I wasn't going to blog about this, but it is too funny.
I automatically get in the back of the car so that my buddy-partner-pal can drive first.
So he was driving and we got to a turn and my teacher starts walking him through it.

"Turn right at this intersection.''
We get there.
"Now brake a little on your approach, and again when you are turning."
He does it perfectly, most of the time. I won't discuss how much this angers me.
But then! Then....
"You forgot your blinker. Make sure you use your blinker on the next turn."

I smile softly to myself.
He made a mistake.
And I was the Self- Proclaimed Master of the Blinker.

I also parallel- parked behind a lady who did it so awfully that you could totally tell she did not have a Drivers Ed instructor with her.

I also went to Arby's because I was famished and their food is beyond delicious. And the dumb people made fun of me.
I gave them my money and they laughed at me.
There are 2 life lessons to be learned in this:
Never give someone your money after they laugh at you.
Never laugh at someone after they give you money or pay your sad salary. They could chuck their medium root beer right back in your face. (Not that I did that, I'm just saying...)

Anyways, they kept laughing at me. It upset me.

Let's play a round of Who Should Be Pitied?

Someone in a Drivers Ed car? (Everyone has to take Drivers Ed. Unless you are Superman. Then you are just a moving violation.)

Someone who works at Arby's? (Not everyone has to work at Arby's. It's a choice.)

Since the government forces me and everyone else to take Drivers Ed, and those people chose of their own free will to work at Arby's and working at Arby's is nerdy (because it is in the fast food category)...


Then I think that they should shut their mouths. And pity themselves. Because I will never work at Arby's. And they do.

But I did not laugh at them, because I am a good person (and they still had my food, meaning they still could spit in it). I, clearly, have more reason to laugh at them than they have to laugh at me, but I did not.

Rant of the Week

So, listen...

Yesterday at church I was sitting in Sunday School, waiting. Our teacher usually waits for the boys who have to spend some time after Sacrament meeting putting the Sacrament stuff away.

So we were just talking and this girl - we'll call her LaFawnduh- asks me if I am able to sleep in. I told her no, and I was adamantly expressing my extreme disgust at the whole idea of sleeping in. Another girl- we'll call her La-a- was agreeing with me, and we were discussing the cons of sleeping in (grogginess, that icky taste in your mouth...)

Then there is a pause in the conversation and a girl -we'll call her Shania- looks up at us and says, "Some people are crazy."

Yeah. People who get off their butts and do something with their lives are crazy.

People who take advantage of the time during the day and get stuff done, who don't spend life dreaming away in their beds are crazy.

People who don't idle the days away are crazy.

Manliness Sold Separately

In Small Towns such as mine, people usually go to the Grocery Store on Friday nights. To conform with the usual practices, to seem somewhat normal, and to satisfy my appetite for Chocolate Covered Cinnamon Bears, my Dad and I went to the Grocery Store.

Much to my eternal disgust, there was a "boy" there working who was wearing skinny jeans.

Gag me with a fork. Skinny jeans are bad enough on girls, but when "boys" wear them I feel like re- visiting my lunch in the form of puking.

Patience is a Virtue

Today as I was minding my very own business and going through a tough part in this song that I have to learn.... Josh interrupted me ever- so- sweetly (not!) and asked/ demanded that I go practice in the music room because my piano music was causing him to make mistakes.

Come again?

If you have ever been to my house, you will know that in the music room there is an ancient piano that sounds as if it hasn't been tuned for about a century. Me practicing on that piano is the equivalent of him practicing on a violin that was severely out of tune, and also the size of a violin you might hang on the rear- view mirror. In your car.

I considered telling him that he should go and practice on Grace’s violin in the music room or maybe he should stop practicing altogether during the day when I am trying to do school stuff and that he and his mechanical practicing methods are the cause for my chronic headaches during the day.

But, purely out of the goodness of my heart, I hesitated and merely replied that I wasn't the reason that he was messing up. And also that I was unable to push the better piano clear into the other room.

Needless to say, Josh went into the study to practice.

I don't mean to be rude, but I was practicing dang it! He and his "carry- able" fiddle can more easily walk into a different room.

If I played the harmonica, it would be a different story. How much do pianos weigh, anyway?

Letter/ Rant o' the Week

Dear Idaho State Government:
I just thought that I would write you a letter thanking you for the wonderful service that has been given me by the Idaho State Government. I am so grateful for the mandatory Health class that I get(oh whoops, I mean "am forced") to take in order to graduate from High School.
High School is hard enough without having to spend time learning about things that will actually benefit my future life. I am so glad that the government thinks that extreme amounts of time to waste reading textbooks that tell me that if I do things that are illegal I could go to jail, or that dangerous things can kill me.
Since I would not have figured this out on my own, I am also brimming with joy over the fact that the state is aware that all teenagers are brainless and has done something about it.

Obviously, telling someone about something that should be common sense is part of your job, you know, as a government official. Keep it up. I am glad that I don't have to think for myself. It is much easier to have the government to do it for me.

Sincerely,
Me (aka brainless dummy)

So today I can't really think of anything to write about. At all.






These are the bane of my life. Indeed whenever I see them I am forced to think of the disgusting tree bark- like substance that unassuming people are putting into their bodies. I feel sad for whoever invented the *hard* pretzel. Presumably, they were bored excessively one day and were strained to come up with a "snack" that would destroy the lives of many people who think like I do. The genius person who came up with an idea to lessen the disgusting nature of these sticks by putting salt on the surface was most brilliant.

The End.
P.S. I do like pretzels with chocolate. When there is a ratio of about 1 Cup Chocolate to 1 tiny pretzel, they are slightly bearable.
Another P.S. I do also like soft pretzels. Those pretzels at least were created for the good of mandakind.

Brace Yourself for Another Ingenious Dispatch...

What is Biology for anyway? Granted, it effects everything that I breathe and eat. But there are more important things than breathing and eating. I will let you know when I find them.
Biology might be the study of life, but if any scientist was to study my life, they would realize that my life would be better off without Biology involved. Then they could write THAT in their textbook.

P.S. I'll admit, every time I drink a glass of water I think of the polar molecules and the electrons whirling around ever so silently. NOT!

Today is Friday and I am thinking about...

The only thing wrong with this picture is the fact that it has a can of tomato soup in it.



And the only thing wrong with tomato soup is the fact that it tastes just like tomato soup.